Let us go then, you and I...

Yesterday, my friend Jane said to me:
"Did you ever think about becoming a minister yourself? I bet you'd be wonderful at something like that."

I'd been telling her that work is really on the back burner for me these days, I am just so much more passionate about my church life and spiritual growth. (Not that I couldn't enjoy both church and work, of course...many people do! But although I have worked in accounting for 20 years, it has never been a passion, is just something I fell into during my twenties when I had not the least clue what to do with my life. And I am now settled in government with a decent supervisory position...a job with stability that pays well, which is a situation for which I am grateful, especially in today's economic climate. But being grateful for my job does not translate into being passionate about my job.)

I had also said to Jane that I rarely even bother checking into professional development opportunities in the corporate training calendar anymore because why take yet another classroom session in, say, public speaking when I can instead get actual experience in my church, such as doing prayers, like I did a couple Sundays ago, or singing a solo (I'm sure the energy around public performance comes from the same place, whether speaking or singing.) Not to mention our corporate calendar rarely offers any useful courses in the first place, at least none that I haven't already taken.

Anyway...back to Jane's question: "Did you ever think about becoming a minister yourself?"...when I read it, I turned to Dave and said: "hey, Jane just asked if I have ever considered being a minister, she thinks I'd be good at it." He replied without hesitation: "yes, you would be." (Dave seems to believe I can do anything, and I must say his unshakeable confidence in me is very strengthening and inspiring! ♥)

I figured I may as well be honest, so wrote back that yes, actually the idea has crossed my mind, and I don't think I've ever really shared that with anyone before. Although, come to think of it, that isn't quite true, I have shared it in a very oblique sort of way at least once...

I remember mentioning to Valerie, a while ago (couple years maybe?), that suggested career paths for my personality type were ones like teacher, psychiatrist, clergy, writer, etc...I went on to say ok, maybe it is ridiculous to think of me as a minister, but I could see myself as a writer. Valerie quickly agreed about the writer, but remained silent on the minister idea. I took her silence as an indication that she agreed it was a ridiculous notion (being certain that if she didn't, she would have said so.) Perhaps I misinterpreted her silence, but...I never spoke of it again...and ever since then, when the idea of ministry crosses my mind, the word ridiculous trails behind it.

But I will admit, it is a path that appeals greatly to me, however ridiculous it might seem to someone else, even if that someone is both a minister herself and my closest friend! :) So having both Jane and Dave express words of encouragement is really uplifting. (I don't think it's that they believe in me more than Valerie does though, I think it's just a case of different people seeing different possibilities in me. Which reminds me of a quotation Barb recently posted by Anais Nin: "Each friend represents a world in us, a world possibly not born until they arrive, and it is only by this meeting that a new world is born.")

Now, having been asked the question, I find myself wondering if this is a door I would ever seriously consider stepping through, or if it's just a pipe dream...is there a whole new world out there waiting for me, I wonder?

We had such a wonderful afternoon with family and friends! :) After church (during which the entire congregation sang Happy Birthday to Sara, much to her embarrassment), we came back to our house for a little celebration.

Sara requested nachos and Cheesy Mexican dip (*recipe to follow) for her birthday munchies, so that was the main offering in the food lineup. I also made veggie and fruit trays, plus had sliced roast chicken and rolls to make sandwiches, and pita bread and hummus. An uber-simple but very tasty assortment!

Here are the girls gathered at the table, grazing on munchies, while Sara and Moira opened presents (Moi's birthday is not until this coming Thursday, but we usually have one combo family birthday celebration, and then the girls have a sleepover or whatever with their friends another time.)

Continue reading "Happy Birthday to Sara...the photos :)" »

Wow. Just wow. I am in a state of shock. My *baby* is twenty years old today, how can this be????

Just yesterday she looked like this:

Now she has grown into a lovely young woman, whose presence still fills my heart and makes my soul sing a joyful song of motherhood...

Happy Birthday to you, my darling Sara. May your path be filled with joy and wonder, and lead you in unexpected directions and toward amazing discoveries...may you soar to dizzying heights as you unleash your potential! I love you always and forever, my sweet girl ♥

One of the gorgeous photos in Marta's recent entry on the Waimea Valley reminded me of a little spot I found in Florence...just off the main path in Boboli Gardens was a little maze of side trails meandering through some funky trees.

I couldn't stay too long on these paths because the mosquitos were ferocious and I react badly to their bites. But the play of light and shadow was beautiful...it was incredibly quiet and peaceful (aside from those nasty biting critters!) Although I was in the midst of a popular park, I felt very much alone with nature.

I emerged from that hiding spot and went straight into another! This next photo reminds me of something from Alice in Wonderland...

And after wandering around, I flopped down and lay drowsing on the lawn near the big giant head...listening to the murmer of voices and the breeze sifting through the trees.

Ah...Florence...sigh...

When in doubt, make a fool of yourself. There is a microscopically thin line between being brilliantly creative and acting like the most gigantic idiot on earth. So what the hell, leap.
~ Cynthia Heimel

I am grateful for the spirit of daring, the courage to risk failure and leap wildly into the unknown...to answer yes when asked: "are you up for a challenge?", without even waiting to hear what the challenge is. Which is what I found myself doing the other night, as a matter of fact. Although, as it turns out, this could well be one of those leaps which lands on the idiot side of the line! (In which case I'm blaming the idiot who got it in her head I can memorize a script!) I'm pretty sure I can dig up enough of an inner actor to play a role in an upcoming service, but...memorization??? That is so not one of my hidden talents...or is it? Apparently I'm about to find out! :)

Only those who will risk going too far can possibly find out how far one can go.
~ T. S. Eliot

What more expansive feeling is there than shaking off the fear that holds us back, and allowing ourselves to risk going too far, to ascend to new heights where our souls can soar, where our hearts are profoundly touched, where our lives may be forever changed.

To dare is to lose one's footing momentarily. To not dare is to lose oneself.
~ Soren Kierkegaard

We may indeed lose our footing momentarily, but we need to trust that solid ground is just a footstep away. This reminds me of a story I told to a friend a little while ago, when sharing a glimpse into my own psyche...

"Just ran up to the library to get a book. The way there is uphill, I've got my new boots on, I'm pumped with happy thoughts, so stride up the hill full tilt, passing people as I go. Get the book, head back out...oops, little slip on the stairs, the sidewalks are greasy, I'm heading downhill now, my new boots aren't nearly as good going down as they were coming up. So I slow into baby steps, make my way tentatively down the slope to the bottom, where I find myself once again on solid ground when I hit Barrington Street...I immediately resume my confident strides and leap up the stairs into my building.

My security/insecurity is just like that...a slight slip can send me into that tentative space until I find my footing again, at which point I generally flip right back into a confident space. So when I start acting hesitantly or whatever, you can either step away and wait for me to find solid ground on my own...or take my hand for a second and speed me on my way. Either way, I WILL get back on solid ground, just a matter of how long it will take me. Not sure if that analogy helps you *get* me a bit better or not, but thought I'd pass it along..."

I can't say I would always want to be on solid ground though...it's often the journey through insecurity that shines a light of understanding for me, and helps me to get to the root of deeper issues in my heart. There is also something freeing and empowering in sharing my insecurities...scary though it is to open myself to vulnerability. Allowing ourselves to be vulnerable with another person is scary. But daring to let someone know our whole self - fears and flaws and all - is a profound statement of trust. Far easier to show only our brave side, our strong side, our in-control side...it takes a leap of faith and trust and love to show our vulnerable side. Making that leap is to allow those close to us to fully love us in return, to know and love and trust all of us, and not just the part of us with our best foot forward.

Continue reading "Gratitude Friday...daring" »

YAY!! HOORAY!! WOOHOO!!!!!!!!!

My best friend arrives home today, after being away for two weeks. (In fact, her plane should be landing right about now.) My inner child was exuberantly out of control last night (much to Dave's amusement!) in anticipation of Valerie's return. I was trying my best to rein in said inner child though, as I said on Facebook. Why? asked Kim. Well, it's like this...the universe has a really annoying tendency to throw wrenches into the mix whenever my inner child is exuberantly out of control. Who knows what awaits her return at church (I think a funeral for one thing), so is hard to say if we'll be able to share any friend time this week, but - fingers crossed - am really hoping we can have a visit this evening!

I like her because she smiles at me and means it.
~ Anonymous
(I don't normally like to post anonymous quotations, but...I read this one somewhere and it just fits.)

Love is missing someone whenever you're apart, but somehow feeling warm inside because you're close in heart.
~ Kay Knudsen

Yeah, yeah...warm and fuzzies, blah, blah, blah...I know we're close at heart and always connected even when apart, but...is much more fun when we're together! :)

As I wrote before Christmas, I've been sucked into the vortex of Prayers of the People, that part of our weekly Sunday worship service where someone from the congregation prays aloud for a few minutes, followed by collective recitation of the Lord's Prayer. Most, but not all, of these people write their own prayers. Some of these prayers speak deeply to my soul, some do not.

A Sunday or two after Valerie had first asked me about reading prayers, the woman who coordinates prayer readers at our church came up to me, saying "Valerie told me you wanted to do prayers, so I put you on my list." I thought to myself: "um, wanted to do this? Felt more like a dare that I couldn't back down from!!" But aloud I said yes...mostly because Valerie seems to have gotten it into her head that I can write a meaningful prayer, and frankly resistance is futile against that woman! :)

Unfortunately this wasn't the best week for me, just seemed to have a lot on the go in the evenings, so by the time Friday rolled around, I still hadn't written anything. And then my thoughts were all scattered from my eye exam, I had a horrible headache, and just couldn't seem to get in a prayer writing headspace. A few thoughts rattled around in my head, but somehow wouldn't settle into place. This week's preparation for prayer choir piece had a beautiful melody, very few words:

Open our hearts...
Open our minds...
Open our lives to you, O loving God...
Open our hearts...

But these few words contain such a powerful invitation to enter into relationship with the divine within and around us...I love them and used them to frame my prayer. I never did find the right headspace to craft a new prayer, so I took bits and pieces from the prayer I wrote for my blog in December, added a few new thoughts and voila, a Prayer of the People was born. But I was still feeling really uncomfortable about sharing my thoughts with the congregation. I can stand up and read scripture or anything else without batting an eye, but sharing my own inner heart thoughts face to face with rows and rows of pews full of people...that was seriously unsettling for me.

So I emailed Valerie a copy Saturday morning and asked her to read it and let me know her thoughts...because I knew she would be honest if it seemed disjointed and because I just wanted my friend's feedback. Besides, I wanted to share it with her anyway, since she wouldn't be there to hear it in person. After her show of support ("Amazing!!") and much needed reminder to "Just take a deep breath before you begin and open yourself to that same spirit you call upon", I felt much more ready to share it aloud with others.

And I am really glad I did share it. I mentioned to Janice (the woman who is leading worship in Val's absence) that I had vetted it through Valerie first, because of being so edgy about sharing it in public..."oh you cheater!", she laughed. But she also thanked me very much for sharing it, said she thought it was amazing, and gave me a big hug. In fact, several people came up to me to say it resonated with them. My mom told me the church was dead silent while I was reading, and said it felt to her like really touched a lot of people. I feel humbled and honoured to think that might be so.

I post my prayer here too, in case my blog friends also wish to share it...

Continue reading "Prayers of the People...Open our hearts" »

As soon as I saw Kathy's photohunt entry this week, I was reminded of a photo I took of myself in my rental apartment in Florence last October (oh...just realized it was not last October, but the one before that...clearly I need to return before much longer!)

Anyway, the photohunt theme was spotted, and Kathy posted a photo of orbs. Some people believe orbs in photos indicate the presence of spirits...I have a friend who is actually freaked out by these photographic orbs, so this photo reminds me of him also!

YAY!!! HOORAY!!!!

Congratulations to Kathy (Trekcapri), who is now the proud *mother* of a beautiful tabby cat named Elizabeth!!!

Today I am grateful for my most excellent eye doctor. She's fairly young (early 30s maybe), and really seems to know her stuff. Along with being very friendly and pleasant, she is very thorough, and follows up on things to ensure my eyes are as healthy as they can be, and any problems are investigated sooner than later.

I went for my annual eye exam last evening. I get annual instead of the usual semi-annual exams because of my eye history. I have an abnormal left optic nerve (apparently abnormality is the story of my life! lol) Anyway, she likes to keep track of it and make sure nothing changes. As expected...as always...my prescription changed. She also took photos of my optic nerves...again, pretty standard. Apparently something wasn't sitting well with her, because at the last minute, she decided it would be best to dilate my pupils and take more photos with them dilated. Oh joy. Good thing though, as these photos revealed a hemorrhage in the aforementioned left optic nerve. (Ok, that would explain the headache!) Is not terribly serious in and of itself, but is a potential sign of glaucoma. And this is the second time such a hemorrhage has coincided with an eye exam, which makes me wonder how many other times it's happening!

I've already been through the whole gamut of glaucoma testing because of the first hemorrhage. I was referred to an eye specialist...who in turn referred me to a glaucoma specialist at the Eye Care Clinic in the hospital. And procedures from bright yellow drops to freeze the eyeball, followed by an occular device being placed right against it so the doc can really see what's going on in there...to blinding lights of optic nerve photography...to field of vision tests...and so on. (The field of vision test requires one to stare for 15 mins or so into a semi-darkened box and press a clicker each time you see randomly placed pinpoints of light, some of which are so dim as to be barely discernible, in fact the test is to check for false clicks too. As I recall, there are eye patches and/or goggles involved too.)

The good thing was that neither specialist thought I had glaucoma, but the glaucoma specialist recommended on-going monitoring by my own optometrist and the regular eye specialist just to be on the safe side. And now, 3-4 years later, it seems glaucoma is once again on the radar screen. I must say, I'm more unsettled about it this time because recurrences are always harder to shrug off. Also because there is a genetic factor to glaucoma, and an aunt of mine was diagnosed with it a few years ago, which fact I was not aware of during my last glaucoma scare.

Not that I actually want to have glaucoma, but...if turns out I do, I sure want to get it diagnosed and treated! My previous doctor didn't make note of, or follow up on, anything really. The eye specialist was not impressed that he'd never taken a baseline photo of my abnormal optic nerve. So I am very grateful I found the wonderful optometrist I have now!

As always, each Friday I invite you to click over to Diana Strinati Baur's blog and check out the other Gratitude Friday Club blogs...