In the interest of truth in advertising, and lest you all think things have been a bed of roses here, I have to tell you something, in the past few weeks, a good old depression has set in. Like all depressions, this one moved slowly, seeping its way into the cracks and crevices until it was able to blow them wide open. I didn't even realize that it had happened, until questioning why I've been so tired and worn out lately Chris replied, "Depression will do that to you."
Damn, smack me upside the head but he was right! I kept attributing the tiredness to recovery, first from the lumpectomy and then from the port procedure but really, seven days should be more than enough time to recover from that procedure and yet I was crashed on the couch most afternoons.
Oh, and did I mention the crying jags - sometimes hitting out of nowhere, sometimes stupid commercials would trigger them, and sometimes me, watching TV shows in which someone has cancer (bad move - btw - Grey's Anatomy viewing has been temporarily suspended in our house though I can usually brace my way through an episode of House).
So, if Bravery is action in the face of fear, for me Depression becomes inaction in the face of fear - because that's pretty much what I do when depressed, sit on the couch in a ball and do nothing. So my cure for depression? Simple, action.
That's why over the past two days, I've washed, dried, folded and put away bins full of laundry, worked more hours than I probably have in the last two weeks combined, taken Sammi for Bat Mitzah lessons, swim practice and for her physical (she's not a happy camper, having gotten three shots yesterday), not to mention watching Becky's swim meet yesterday (they won, and Becky shaved two seconds off her best time in 100 free - hopefully she can keep that up).
It's not really a cure though - I think if I just stay busy, stay moving, I don't have time to think (Jill Ladota once told me, back when I started college that I think too much). So, it just keeps the depression at bay - shoving it back into the recesses of my head, back into the cracks and crevices. I know this, because last night, after answering several phone calls in the span of a ten minutes, as soon as we walked in the door, it exploded again this time though in the form of some seriously irrational anger, which quickly subsided but did have me yelling at everyone (including poor Fala who was just trying to snag some of my dinner when I wasn't looking).
Anyway, it's in the back of my mind now, and Lisa's taking me to the gym this morning before I go wig shopping, so that should keep it under control for a while (at least until we get into the chemo room this afternoon).