I thought I would tell you the story of my pillow.
I got my first big pillow at age two. I slept with that pillow until I moved to Palm Desert, over 5 years ago. It was the only pillow I ever had (or wanted) for 50 years! Then I got a new pillow. It wasn't quite the same, but it worked for 3 years, until I left it in a hotel in Fresno. I got another pillow and left it in the hotel after the San Diego Gathering in March. They wouldn't mail it back to me with out me getting them a box. USPS, Fed EX, nor UPS would deliver them a box for me, so I bought ANOTHER new pillow. I thought it was the same one I had. It was NOT. It has too much down in it. It doesn't squish quite enough for me.
This morning, I cut a slit in the seam and emptied one-third of the down into my trash compactor. Make that one-sixth, as another sixth was all over my kitchen, my hair, my white pants, the dog, and the kitchen sink. It looked like it was snowing in the kitchen. The only thing worse than sweeping up down feathers, is gathering up WET down feathers. Whose feather-brained idea was that? (groan) I'm sure 1000 ducks gave their life for me.
I took my pillow to the dry cleaners, and asked if they could stitch it back up. They could have it ready by Saturday. That won't work, as I am leaving my house Thursday, and I need to bring my pillow!!!
I cook, I make jewelry, I can deal with chef tools, and craft supplies, but I do NOT sew. AT ALL. So, I found a whole new use for duct tape, or should I say, "duck tape".
It quacked me up!
Here are a few more groans...
A duck walks into a 7-11 and says, "Give me some chapstick and put it on my bill."
Q. What do you get with two ducks and a cow?
A. Quackers and milk.
Q. What do ducks eat for breakfast?
A. Quacker Oats.
Q. What do you call a duck who plays bridge?
A. Donald Trump.
Q. Why was the duck con released?
A. Because he got credit for good con-duck.
Q. What do you call a cat that swallows a duck?
A. A duck-filled-fatty-pus
A man is driving a pick-up truck down the road with a bunch of ducks standing in the back. A police officer pulls over the driver, informs him that he is speeding and then asks him where he's going with all those ducks. The driver says that he doesn't know what to do with them anymore. The officer says, "Look, there's a zoo not far from here and that's where you should take them." The man thanks the officer and drives off with his ducks.
The next day the officer again sees the same pick-up truck barreling down the road. This time, though, all the ducks in the back are wearing sunglasses. The officer pulls the driver over and says, "I thought I told you to take those ducks to the zoo!" "I did," said the driver, "but now they want to go to the beach!"
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A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she lay her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm so sorry, your Duck Cuddles has passed away."
The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure?
"Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead," he replied.
How can you be so sure," she protested. "I mean, you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."
The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room, and returned a few moments later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet patted the dog and took it out, and returned a few moments later with a cat.
The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed delicately at the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on it's haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."
Then the vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman. The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!", she cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!!
"The vet shrugged. "I'm sorry. If you'd taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $150.00.
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Three guys had an accident and went straight to heaven. When they got there, St. Peter said, "We only have one rule in heaven. Don't step on the ducks!"
They entered heaven and sure enough there were ducks all over the place. It was almost impossible not to step on a duck and although they tried their best to avoid them the first guy accidentally stepped on one.
Along came St. Peter with the homeliest woman he ever saw. St. Peter chained them together and said, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this homely woman".
The next day, the second guy stepped accidentally on a duck and along came St. Peter, who didn't miss a thing, and with him was another extremely homely woman. He chained them together with the same admonishment as the first.
The third guy had observed all this and not wanting to be chained for all eternity to a horrible looking woman was very careful where he stepped. He managed to go for months without stepping on any ducks. Then one day, St. Peter came up to him with the most gorgeous woman he had ever laid eyes on. St. Peter chained them together without saying a word.
The guy remarked, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all eternity?"
She replied, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck"!